I have decided to run for Mayor of Salem, MA

Why I am Running for Mayor of Salem

All food must have the proper ratio of “chunks” to “sauce” to “crunchies”
Everyone has to stop to give me pats and, at the very least, offer me a treat. I accept all forms of treats unless they are supposed to somehow benefit me.
If you are going to give me a pill, you better hide it deep inside the most tasty pill pocket ever invented. I’ll find it and spit it out. That’s a promise!
You should be allowed to secretly throw up anywhere you want. Period.
No more loud noises. They are scary.
No more dogs. Obviously.
Bring the squirrels and the birdies closer to me. It will be fine.
Mandatory wall-to-wall carpet. Have you ever tried to take a corner at high-speed on hard-wood? It’s embarrassing.